An Apology Letter to My Body
Dear body,
I am sorry
For once hating your small Asian eyes
And your mildly yellow skin color
because everyone around you, was white
I should have been proud of my own heritage
I know that mom taught you beauty
is defined by society
There is a certain way
Of how we, as women, should behave
And to conform is the only way
I am sorry,
that I believed her,
for so many years
I looked at you
And saw nothing but flaws
I am sorry,
that I didn’t know how to nourish you
for starving you on
gave you half an apple a day
I am sorry,
that I put you through
eating disorder for so many years
for feeling guilty to eat
and for being scared not to eat
see,
My mom ate from a plate
that was as small as your palms were
the more she shrank
the prouder she became
so I thought
that’s what a woman should be like
I learned, to see a woman’s
through her eyes
I apologize,
for letting the numbers on the scale
to define your worth
and that I started to lie about your weight
before having your period
I thought a size zero was the only definition
of beauty
The only way to exist
as a woman
I am sorry,
That I tried to make you look attractive
Before even understanding the reasons why
A short skirt and lip gloss
was the only way to attract boys at age nine
I am Sorry,
That you have been sexualized long before
understanding what being a female really means
You, are a human being
Blood and flesh
You are not born to please
Sorry,
That I compared you
with the models on front page magazines
And blamed you
for not looking like them
You should know
There is not a standard for beauty
You, can just be you
I am sorry,
That I always wanted to change you
didn’t appreciate you
didn’t want to live inside of you
I am sorry, that I unlearned all this too late
that I never thanked you,
for being here for me
all this time
even when I tried to hurt you
You, always took your time
To forgive me
and you never stopped holding me up
You, are my body
Not someone else’s property defined
by the norms of society
you, are my body
You are sacred
You are enough
And from now on
I am going to love you
Sincerely,
Vanessa
A note from the poet: I find it very hard to put the story behind the poem into words. But in a way, this is also a letter I wish the teenage me could have grabbed a chance to read, and a letter to all the amazing women out there.
As women, we face the problem of body image all the time. Sexism, the objectification of women’s body and patriarchal norms of society seem to be transparent in our daily life yet sinking deep into our conscious minds.
I wrote the poem simply because I’d like to remind whoever is reading/listening to the poem that it’s okay to be different, awkward or whatever it is that they want to be. Society seems to have a tendency to attach values on all things and all people. I’d just like the ones reading / listening to my poem to know that they are all unique and valuable, no matter what others say.
Vanessa is originally from Chicago, studying Chinese here and tracing her roots, exploring the country her parents speak so highly about. Being in Taiwan has been a bliss. She am grateful for both the eastern and western sides of culture I have in her.
Vanessa has a profound passion for literature and spoken word poetry. It’s a way for her to understand the world and express myself creatively.
And she hope Taiwan continues to bring me more joy and adventures!