Jim Kay, March 2012

A One-Character Dialogue Situation

Bernie has chosen to exercise on a Schwinn Air-Dyne bike during his fitness class. He realizes the seat is too low because his knees remain too bent when his foot is at the bottom. Three adjustments to the seat seem to have made no difference. Clearly the machine hates him. Slowly, Bernie remembers that he owned a Schwinn Air-Dyne bike some years ago. His shoes slide forward, off the pedals and Bernie remembers that his old bike had toe clips. This bike has a warning tag stating that toe clips should not be used. “Why not?”, he wonders. “What’s the good of having my feet slide off?” Slowly, Bernie’s crotch becomes numb and he remembers why he got rid of that old Schwinn; this used to happen all the time. While trying to keep his weight back and over the main part of the seat, thereby affording blood circulation to his priceless crotch, Bernie looks around the room. Off to the right is a perfect example of female beauty. She appears Hispanic and is working out on an elliptical trainer. Bernie imagines her being featured in an advertisement for the machine. Bernie thinks he would consider buying one if he saw such an advertisement except Bernie already has one. Such a girl did not come with Bernie’s machine. Besides which, Bernie’s wife would never allow him to ‘keep her’ even if she did ‘follow him home.’ Bernie realizes she would not. Eventually the fifteen minutes of torture pass and Bernie records his exercise numbers and walks slowly over to the mat where the other students are gathering. Bernie imagines he is walking like an old-time western cowboy with his legs spread a bit too far apart. He is doing this, not because he is bow-legged, but because his crotch is on fire as the circulation slowly returns.

On the mat, the teacher is addressing some inane question to each student in turn. Bernie realizes the teacher is addressing each student by name and he learns that the ‘perfect specimen’ is named Stephanie. In high school, Bernie’s class had 325 students and about half were girls. He prided himself on knowing the name of each girl in his class on-sight. Despite his best effort to forget, Bernie remembers that over a period of four years, this skill had helped him to date exactly one girl and she dumped him right after taking him home to meet her mother. Bernie feels like a dog that chases cars but doesn’t know how to drive. Bernie cringes with the knowledge that he’s never known how to drive. Bernie notices the girl next to him on the mat. She also appears to be Hispanic, just like Miss perfect and has a lesser but only a little lesser profile. Why not admire the girl who is closer, he thinks. By this point, Bernie has missed the girl’s name.

As soon as everyone has provided their answer to the teacher’s question, they are directed to a nearby exercise machine for a demonstration. Bernie hates these demonstrations. He’s been a member of two or three clubs over the years and knows how to operate all of the common equipment. As Bernie gets up, he sees a cell phone on the mat next to him. It obviously belongs to the ‘almost as good’ Hispanic girl. He grabs the phone before anyone else could have a chance, and trots after the girl. Perhaps ‘trot’ is giving Bernie a little too much credit. He has long legs and can walk very rapidly but trotting is faster than Bernie has ever cared to move his body. He thinks carefully over his mental image of the girl so he can be sure to approach the right one. He spots her and moves in close. She gives him a nervous and puzzled look, probably surprised that he is so obviously heading right for her. Bernie holds out the phone which she immediately recognizes with a start. She takes the phone, thanks Bernie and looks back at the place she had been sitting on the mat. Then she turns to the teacher and Bernie’s opening is gone. He couldn’t think of anything to say, not even ‘You’re Welcome.’ Bernie cringes inside.

Bodacious Moon               

He’d studied optics and even understood the relativistic effect
But none of that prepared him for the experience.
“Sure I know why the moon looks larger on the horizon.”
Wow! He thought. That moon is REALLY big down on the horizon.
He heard himself puzzling what he thought he already knew.
But now he was captivated in a way that text books never had.
Why didn’t someone tell me big really was BIG?
He felt something awakening with this girl standing close beside him.
Not just A girl but THIS girl. The tingling in his chest resembled fear.
The strength of his pounding heart brought him dismay.
The tingling was drifting lower, stomach, abdomen, lower.
It came in for a landing and he sensed his stirring erection.
“Well aren’t you going to tell me?” The question was terrifying.
Tell you what, he stammered. “I just asked you about the moon.”
Oh. Thank God, she didn’t know.
The atmosphere curves the light and acts like a lens to make it so.
“Sometimes I like it better when I don’t know too much.”
YES! He almost shouted it. He didn’t want her to know about IT.
Do you think we should go back inside now? He asked.
“Don’t you want to wait until that settles down a little more?”

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