Mark Caltonhill November 2012
Stand-up comedian and poet Mark Caltonhill performed a selection of
poems inspired by his dog, Hutian, who also attended Red Room.
Included was his recent work, “If dogs wrote poetry”
If dogs wrote poetry,
no meandering iambic trot,
but galloping dactylic pace,
or else, we’ll do the spondee strut;
No host of golden daffodils,
but oak or elm each forty feet,
or lamppost, hydrant or park seat;
No odes to nightingales,
but rather, eulogies to rubbish dumps,
or as we call them, the long free lunch.
And
If dogs wrote intertextual verse,
we might quote from the boundless imagery of Keats,
but only so to rhyme with treats,
and likewise, Gysinesquely sample
the soulful fugues of Ms. Simone,
religious thoughts of Paul né Saul,
the communism espoused by Marx,
or merits of silent movies versus talkies,
but only so we might make mention
of bone and ball and parks and walkies.
And
If dogs wrote epic songs we would not,
sing of Norway’s Amundsen versus England’s Scott,
but instead, memorialize it as a victory,
of Greenland Husky over Siberian Pony;
If dogs wrote epicurean verse,
please, we beg you, no weasels going pop,
or blackbirds baked into a pie,
but warm, served raw, on tarmac plate;
And lastly,
if dogs are meant to write sonnets on love not hate,
why do you so thoughtlessly castrate?
